Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It's dark in here
I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent, logical thinker. My family, friends, and superiors at work and school have also held this opinion. But you see, I'm not, at least not all the time. Sometimes I descend into the abyss of irrational "what-ifs". What if I never get married and die all alone? What if so-and-so hasn't called because he/she was in a car crash and died? What if Victor doesn't get a job for years and by then it's too late for us to have babies? I lose my grasp and let worries, hopelessness, and the ensuing ulcer-like symptoms take over my life. And after hearing my whole life about how strong I am? It's hard to admit that I'm not. I'm in this place now. I can't explain how it feels other that TOTAL DESPAIR. I chide myself for any previous deluded hope that has made this fall even harder. And my faith, rather than serving as a comfort, makes things worse because SOMETIMES GOD DOES NOT HELP. Some people have sucky lives, despite calling on God for mercy. And I think, what if I am one of those people? In college I majored in psychology and when I feel especially anxious (and often depressed as a result) I open my abnormal psych book and read about the symptoms of what I may have. It is a comfort to me to know that (perhaps?!) the things I am thinking and feeling may be due to chemicals in my brain misbehaving. If it's only chemicals, then it's not real, right? I consider myself beyond lucky to have Victor who loves and cares for me even when I'm a total biotch and can't explain why.