A Tale of Two Ovaries

I have successfully completed my first charting cycle! Time for a party!

Unfortunately for me, that party involves nasty cramps, headaches, and tight jeans. After so many years on birth control pills I had forgotten what it was like to have real PMS until late last night when I stayed awake moaning for an hour. Please send chocolate for me and a helmet for Victor.

In case you don't know, by charting your waking basal body temperature (BBT) you can determine exactly when you ovulate. Recording the texture of your cervical mucus can give you a clue of when you are ABOUT to ovulate. A nifty website called Fertility Friend will keep track of and analyze your information so it can tell you when you ovulate and how likely it is that you are pregnant, if that's what you're trying to accomplish. This month was a test run for Victor and I. But, I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with my chart.



Nice, no? I was waaaaay too excited when I saw that I had been given a red line indicating that I had O'ed. And once my luteal phase made it past 10 days? Ecstatic.

Yes, I'm a nerd.

Cycle 2 started today. Victor and I are going to (ahem) keep the goalie in play for at least another two months. After that time we'll figure out whether it's time for the official period of TTC. I will certainly keep you, dear Internet, abreast of our decisions and progress. Because what's the point of this blog if not for me to discuss the inner workings of my lady bits?

Madness in March

First of all, my last post was a little melodramatic. I do struggle with my fears about the future and writing about them helps, but I am overall pretty happy a lot of the time. I have an engaging job, a supportive and loving husband, and great family and friends. I need to think about these good things more often.

So, onto the subject du jour. Someone had this great idea called Earth Hour. For one hour people all over the world are supposed to turn off all their lights as a sign of solidarity in preventing further damage to the environment. The impact will be discussed at a conference. It is scheduled for 8:30 pm (EST) this Saturday night. Being a big proponent of changing our environmental policies, I think this is a great idea and would totally do it, but...

MARCH MADNESS!!! Hello people, how do you expect crazed basketball fans to turn off their TVs during such a critical time? I'm not even a fan of the teams playing that night (I just might be a little bitty fan of another team playing Friday and hopefully Sunday, but I digress) (Go Heels!), but I still plan on watching. Basketball is absolutely the best part about March. I mean, what other nice things can you say about a time that pretends to be spring but still stays below 70 degrees in a good portion of the country? Basketball is March's redeeming quality. I forgive March for its cruel teasing because of basketball, because, really, who cares what the weather is like when you can watch TV ALL DAY LONG? When you can eat frozen pizza for every meal on the weekends and yell at the TV without anyone questioning your sanity? Turning off your TV during this time is another type of madness in itself. I figure these Earth Hour people must be bitter about living in a region with a really bad basketball conference. Like the SEC.

It's dark in here

I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent, logical thinker. My family, friends, and superiors at work and school have also held this opinion. But you see, I'm not, at least not all the time. Sometimes I descend into the abyss of irrational "what-ifs". What if I never get married and die all alone? What if so-and-so hasn't called because he/she was in a car crash and died? What if Victor doesn't get a job for years and by then it's too late for us to have babies? I lose my grasp and let worries, hopelessness, and the ensuing ulcer-like symptoms take over my life. And after hearing my whole life about how strong I am? It's hard to admit that I'm not.

I'm in this place now. I can't explain how it feels other that TOTAL DESPAIR. I chide myself for any previous deluded hope that has made this fall even harder. And my faith, rather than serving as a comfort, makes things worse because SOMETIMES GOD DOES NOT HELP. Some people have sucky lives, despite calling on God for mercy. And I think, what if I am one of those people?

In college I majored in psychology and when I feel especially anxious (and often depressed as a result) I open my abnormal psych book and read about the symptoms of what I may have. It is a comfort to me to know that (perhaps?!) the things I am thinking and feeling may be due to chemicals in my brain misbehaving. If it's only chemicals, then it's not real, right?

I consider myself beyond lucky to have Victor who loves and cares for me even when I'm a total biotch and can't explain why.

A Word About My Layout (or, Loretta's comittment issues)

I changed my blog layout! Yay! Isn't it purty? I have decided that I'll change the blog layout periodically to be season-appropriate. I should claim that I'll do this because I'm just so durn happy about every season and holiday but really it's because I can't find a (free) layout that I adore and thus imagine that I will tire of this one at some point. Say, around May or June. I did consider that there is something to be said for consistency, but think of it this way: I am consistently changing. I used cutest blog on the block to find this one; please let me know of other good sites where I can find them.

Things I Learned on my Spring Vacation

1. Getting off a ski lift with only one ski is pretty hard. Uh, at least without causing a train wreck. I actually learned this lesson twice, because for some reason getting on one of the lifts with both skis intact was not easy. Both times I tried to half-ski, half-walk off the lift and usually ended up sprawled out on the ground, often alongside a few other people I took out in the process.

2. Victor is a hero. Really. I do not fall very often (ya know, other than the situations mentioned above). The unintended side effect of this seemingly great thing is that I CANNOT GET UP while on skis. On one particularly steep slope (for me) Victor was already near the bottom when I bit it. After trying unsuccessfully to stand up and get my skis on for oh, five minutes, Victor took his skis off and WALKED UP THE MOUNTAIN to help me. Talk about chivalry! I told him I could just stay there as the snow was pretty comfy but he didn't think that was a very good idea.

3. 1 full day of skiing + 2 gin sours (yum!) + 45 minutes down a mountain in a bus = UGH

4. On a related note, bartenders at ski lodges make seriously strong drinks.

5. I like talking to random people in bars. One day (okay okay, pretty much every day) I finished skiing before Victor so I went to the bar while I waited for him. I struck up a conversation with a man sitting beside me. He was probably in his 40s and kept telling me about his multiple girlfriends (one is a scientist like me, one is from Paris, one is from the South, and so forth). I never did the bar scene when I was single, but since this conversation, I have wanted to go to another bar and talk to people. Victor probably would not approve.

6. When in California, I should always specify that my food be not spicy, at all! We went to an Indian restaurant and I said I wanted my lamb tikka masala (YUM YUM!) "mildly spicy". Right...I could barely eat it. I think I offended the waiter because he observed that I seemed to like the water more than my dinner.

7. Tahoe is freakin' gorgeous. I don't have pictures yet because I was stupid and forgot my camera. We did buy a disposable one but I have yet to get the film developed. Stay tuned.

Interview

I'm back! The move was crazy but successful and vacation was fantastic. I'll try to post an update and some pictures soon. In the meantime, Jen from Here We Go Again sent me some interview questions and I'm finally getting around to answering them.

1. You got married fairly recently. What have you found to be the biggest difference between dating and marriage?
I think the security is the biggest difference. I can be very anxious and when Victor and I were dating (especially at the beginning) I often thought that he was going to end the relationship because of something I did or said. Over the course of our engagement and especially when I heard him say "til death do us part" I realized he was in it for the long haul and I know that if I behave badly (I know, it's hard to imagine I could, but it's true) he'll still love me. Obviously this doesn't mean I can stop working on the relationship and trying to be the best wife for him but it helps me a lot to know that he loves me despite my imperfections.

2. You and your husband have a pretty decent sized age gap. Do you find that this makes any difference in your relationship? How about in the types of friends you spend time with? I ask this out of curiosity, being that Matt and I are just a little over two months apart in age.
I was a little bit concerned about the age difference in the early stages of our dating relationship, but it is not really a big issue. Sometimes I worry about what will happen in 40 years and I'm still in my 60s, but I try to just enjoy the time we have. In terms of friends, Victor and I were friends before we started dating and were part of a pretty large crowd of swing dancers who range from about 23-40 years old. So we mostly spend time with them.

3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
I'd start by spending a year in Paris :) After that I'd want to move back home to North Carolina where our families live. Two sets of parents + grandparents + aunts, uncles, cousins, and lifelong friends = lots of free babysitters. I really want to raise my children in the South. I am very attached to the culture and want to pass that on to my kids.

4. What is the thing that bugs you the most about your husband? I think mine is that Matt always asks me for a sandwich or popsicles right when I am about to go to sleep. But I like him, so I always make him his stupid sandwich.
Eh, it really depends on the day. I guess the main thing is that he has a tendency to lose track of what we are discussing. Either of us will be saying something and if he thinks of or sees something different he'll just completely change the subject, even mid-sentence. It's the worst when we're driving because he gets distracted by pretty cars. For the most part, though, he does not really bug me (which is why I married him!)
Note: if he ever asked me to make him a sandwich when I was in bed there would be problems... Jen, you must be a better wife than me.

5. If you could have any exotic animal as a pet, which animal would it be? It will not eat you, be hard to take care of, or anything practical like that.
Probably a macaque monkey. The year after college I was a lab tech in an epilepsy lab that used monkeys for some experiments. Part of my job was to give our monkeys their drugs (antibiotics mostly) every day. I grew pretty attached to some of them and they are really smart.

If you would like me to interview you, respond to this post and I'll send questions. Thanks Jen!