The One Where Loretta Reveals that she has Problems

I am a planner. I enjoy nothing more than devising a plan and then seeing it be executed. When I was in college the most exciting day of the year was when registration for the next semester started. And it wasn't just because I was just so nerdy that I couldn't wait to decide on new classes (although, I am that nerdy). It was because I could make a PLAN! A SCHEDULE! Oh rapture!

I would first decide on the courses I wanted or needed to take and write them into an hour-by-hour grid that I made up on my computer. This grid usually went from about 7 am until 10 pm. Then I'd add all my extra activities to the list: field hockey, eating house officers meeting, etc etc. And then? The completely insane fun part began! I'd look at the open blocks in my schedule and figure out where other aspects of my life fit. No classes until 11:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays meant that those were perfect days to go to the gym first thing and then eat a leisurely breakfast at the Commons (the cafeteria) before heading back to my room to shower and get dressed. The hour-long break between my 8:30 and 10:30 classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that some may view as inconvenient? Just the perfect amount of time to practice the piano! So I'd write all these things in my wonderful little grid and relish the precise efficiency of my planned days. I printed out my grid and stuck a copy in my library carrel, a copy in my room and a copy in my planner. I loved the planning and even more, I loved knowing exactly what I would be doing at 2:36 on Thursday afternoon.

Now that I am in a stage of life where I have NO IDEA even where I might be living (and in what kind of house/apartment? and on how much of a salary? and what kind of hours will Victor have?) in as little as a month from now? It's MADDENING! Any day now Victor could get called for an interview and any number of days after that he could get a job offer and then...CHAOS! My mortal enemy could come knocking on the door with little or no warning.

Hold me.

The fact that I can't plan out one specific route means I spend a good portion of my mental energy planning out lots of less-specific routes. I plan out when we could move, what kind of house we could buy or whether we'd rent for a while first for pretty much every decent-sounding job opportunity Victor mentions to me. I spend hours perusing payscale.com to estimate what Victor's salary might be in any particular job. Then I spend more hours drooling at houses on realtor. com based on said salary range. Sometimes I even write out a mock budget to reassure myself that it could work. Whenever a job opportunity falls through I feel like I'm losing something. I had made PLANS! What about that cute little townhouse within walking distance to Victor's prospective office? Lost, forever! While my melodrama may cause you to roll your eyes it causes me a great deal of emotional distress. Nothing is quite so bad as plans not working.

I'm feeling this pain even more so as we try to conceive. Every month I think about if it does work, when we'll tell family, when we'll find out the sex, and how fantastic it would be to have a February March April , no MAY! baby. And every time my temperature drops or I see just one pink line I have to regroup and tell myself that we have another chance. And when I finally do get those two pink lines ? When Victor finally does get that great job offer? It won't matter how inconvenient I had previously thought the timing might have been. It'll be time to plan, for real.