13 Week Letter

Dear Cleitus,

It's been a while since I've written to you, but CHILD, you have scared your mama and daddy to pieces over the past month. It started with a little bit of spotting followed by that thing on the back of your neck. That 'thing' is gone now and you look amazing, and for this we are so, so grateful.

Cleitus, I'm going to tell you something that may make you think your mama is a little crazy. I believe God healed you over those few weeks. I don't have any proof other than two ultrasounds that look dramatically different from one another. And the doctors did say that sometimes nuchal translucencies resolve on their own. But baby doll, I don't think it was random. There were so many people praying for you. Your grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, cousins, friends, and of course your daddy and I were praying for you constantly.

I also have to confess that at the beginning, I wasn't praying for a miraculous healing. I was praying for the translucency to mean something not-too-severe. I was praying for you to live. I was praying for strength for your daddy and I. But then, the day before we went in for the CVS test, it hit me. God is SO MUCH BIGGER than what I could imagine. God could make this whole problem go away! God could make it so that I wouldn't even need the test. A tiny part of my mind wanted to stop thinking these thoughts because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I held onto that hope and prayed fervantly for it that night. And my prayers were answered, so directly. The joy I feel is overwhelming and I can't help myself from telling everyone what happened.

And Cleitus, I'm writing this down because one day I want to tell you. I cannot wait to tell you how much Jesus loves you and how amazing He is. I canoot wait to tell you, a child of God, that He can do more than we ever ask or imagine. I cannot wait to read you Bible stories with miracles and to tell you about your own miracle. I just cannot wait.

Love always,
Mama

Are You There Loretta? It's Me, God

The days are dragging until we can have the tests that will tell us more about our precious baby. I'm scheduled for a chorionic villus sampling next Tuesday and we should get some preliminary results a few days later.

We are scared, but coping. We have friends, family, and creepy Internet strangers (mwah!) praying for us and I have never in my life felt God's presence as closely as I have over the past few days. It became clear to me when I walked into church Sunday and saw that the sermon's title was "Anxiety over Loss". The pastor talked about Psalm 23, a passage I've memorized, but never internalized. I've started reading through the Psalms and have begun to identify with David's fear, but also his faith that he served a God who saves.

I feel hopeful. Hopeful that our baby WILL live, hopeful that the nuchal fold is signalling that Cleitus has an issue that is not serious or easily treatable, and better yet, hopeful that nothing at all is wrong.

And when I DO get down and start thinking about the scariest scenarios? The scenarios that end with me delivering a baby that does not survive? I feel peace. Sadness, yes, but also peace. And still more hope, for the future. Hopeful that our lives and our baby's life will serve to glorify the God that created us, no matter how short those lives may be. Hopeful for our family's happiness.

I am being blessed with a hope that is kicking despair's butt.

Book Review: The Language of God

I recently read The Language of God by Francis Collins and have been meaning to write my thoughts on it. Francis Collins is a ROCK STAR scientist. Have you ever heard of (genetic) breast cancer? What about Cystic Fibrosis? Well he was instrumental in discovering the genes that are responsible for both diseases. He also led the Human Genome Project. Needless to say, he commands a great deal of respect from the scientific community. I think this fact makes it even more awesome that he’s also an evangelical Christian and wrote this book. Because you probably won’t be surprised to know that a lot of scientists look down on religious types, to the point of assuming that they are not intelligent. But Francis Collins is helping to prove them wrong.

In his book, Collins examines both sides of the argument. He discusses the evidence for an atheistic worldview where everything is random and also for a Creationist worldview where everything was directed by God. And then he eloquently points out that neither worldview is wholly accurate. Collins believes in things like the Big Bang theory and evolution and he also believes in an omnipotent God who created the world and is involved in the lives of His people. He argues that the scientific explanations for the origins of the world and life are in no way incompatible with Christianity when one simply examines the evidence and holds back on the assumptions. Just because God said “let there be” doesn’t mean He didn't mean for particles to slam into each other to create the earth. Our genetic similarity to primates in no way precludes the fact that we are different from them in that we have souls. And even the Bible says that time is different for God, showing that the young earth philosophy is incredibly misguided.

This book hit home for me. I was raised in a very fundamental church where the anti-evolution drum was beat loudly. As I became more interested in science during college I started wondering, why all the fuss? The Bible is not a scientific document. It is a compiled book with history, poetry, and prophecy genres of writing and a literal reading of it misses the point (case in point: Song of Solomon). Likewise, science can admit that it is an incomplete discipline and that there are some things we do not know.

Science is the study of the visible world and theology is the study of the unseen world. They do not need to compete with each other, and in fact, they can complement each other nicely. I’m not saying that we should use God as a placeholder for things that are unknown in science. A God of the blanks is not the One I worship. But if we look at the scientific explanations of the world we can say, “Wow! God did that, he used these elegant processes to bring about the world and its inhabitants.” Every day as I read papers and do experiments I am struck with this feeling.

And it is beautiful.