The Right to Privacy

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about this blog and what I want it to be. If you've been reading for a while (or even just my last post) you know that I'm fairly open and candid. At the moment I feel perfectly free to write about my personal life because no one in my personal life (other than Victor) reads this blog. But I'm getting to the point where I might want to open up my blog to some close friends. I love to write here and part of me wants to bump up my view count share this part of my life with them.

But I worry. About how sharing may cause me to edit my content. About how someone I don't particularly want to read my blog might accidentally hear about it. And I feel responsible to protect the privacy and dignity of my family. Not just mine, or even Victor's, but that of other people who are close to me who might be just a little bit SHOCKED AND APPALLED that their beloved daughter/granddaughter/cousin/niece/fellow church member is writing about GIRLY BITS and UNDERWEAR and (the worst of all) SPERM-FRIENDLY LUBE on the INTERNET!

I've thought about having another blog, one where I write for my friends and family. But I think that would only serve to take away from my very limited time to write here. Also? It would suck. For example, my narrative of yesterday might go something like this:

"Yesterday we went to church. Andy preached on the sixth commandment. It was good. But I had a headache so I went out to sit in the concourse for the last five minutes. Then we went home and I took a long nap, a mistake since I had trouble sleeping later. I made shrimp tacos for dinner and we watched "Blood Diamond". It was sad."

Okay, I might be exaggerating. Or not, based on some blogs I've encountered. But even spiced up a little bit? BOOORRRIINNNG!

I am pretty impressed with people who write under their full names and can make it interesting without getting too personal. To me though, the personal is what inspires me to write at all. The stuff I don't share with everyone but I want to, need to, release.

For now I'm keeping this blog open only to those who serendipitously find it on the great Interwebs. I think after a while, perhaps once I'm pregnant or once I have children, I'll start to give some select people the address and see what happens. Will they receive it well? Or will I have to move to Lithuania, change my name, and dye my hair?

Burning Bras and Sterilizing Bottles

On Friday afternoon I was talking to my group director (my boss’ boss) and she mentioned to me that she wanted to start getting me ready to be promoted. Obviously, I should be happy, right? I do a good job and am glad other people recognize it. But instead of making me happy, this news has left me conflicted.

You see, Victor and I have a plan. The plan is as follows: a) Victor gets a new job (he is currently temporary research faculty and his position is renewed yearly), b) we move and buy a house, and c) I get pregnant and become a stay-at-home mom. I like this plan, I really do, and I’m going to stick with it if at all possible. I truly want to stay at home with my children so I can take great care of them and of my husband. I dream about being able to fix Victor’s lunch and write love notes on his napkin, about taking my kids to play dates and soccer games, and about having time to do domestic things like gardening and canning my own tomato sauce.

But, every once in a while a tiny nagging voice says that my dreams coming true might mean living with regret. I studied hard in college, got good grades, and went to one of the top graduate schools in the country for biological research. I have done work at my company that most people said would be impossible. I love science and doing experiments and I’m good at it. Sometimes I get scared that I will miss it, but I think my reaction is more related to the external than the internal.

The feminists of the twentieth century fought for equal rights. They wanted women to be able to get good educations and to be successful professionally. Some women I’ve met along my educational and professional journey tell me that leaving science would be a waste of talent and that being a full time mom will not fulfill me. I think what they are forgetting is that women have fought for a choice, not for a mandate. I chose to get a good education and job and I can also choose to leave that job. I will not be wasting my talent, I’ll just be redirecting it to another pursuit.

I do not judge women who choose to work rather than stay home with their kids, but I do not think I could be happy with my performance as a mother if worked outside the home. If I have a daughter I will teach her that she should do what she is passionate about at all stages of her life. Study the things that interest her, get involved the activities she enjoys, and do something that makes her excited to get out of bed in the morning. Right now that for me is science, but soon (I hope) it will be the screaming baby in the next room. For now I do my best at my job, but then I will be doing my best at raising my kids to be kind, thoughtful, smart, driven people. And you can bet that my kid will beat your kid’s ass in the school science fair.